Cutting myself more slack. Forgiving myself more. Not caring so much about external perception any longer. Ignoring social illusions more.
You see, if you grew up being the one who kept things together and kept peace, what this does to your brain even as an adult is it creates this unconscious desire always to keep peace. To always ensure everything is good and everyone is happy. And while this might be a good thing growing up:
It is most likely a trauma response. It is in fact mostly you shielding yourself from any form of disruption or altercation. From things going out of place. And so you condition yourself to always ensure order and sanity.
This conditioning makes you want people to see you as the perfect peace lover. The one who (almost) never errs. It makes you see yourself as almost infallible.
If it ends there, perhaps it might be a tad bit less of a bother. 🤔
But, it goes a step further to make you judge yourself a lot more harshly and be less accepting/forgiving to yourself when you realize you have indeed ‘erred’.
“How could I have said this?” How on earth did I do this? What the hell was I thinking? I know better, I should have done better.”
The sad thing is, you may not even realize how this conditioning is a trauma response until you go through therapy and perhaps introspect very much as an adult. The voices in your head are harsher to you than it is generally to others. You cut others much more slack but barely give yourself room to make mistakes and learn from them.
You extend others more grace and reserve almost none for yourself.
Unconsciously, you have wired your brain to always be the perfect person who understands others, and so you consciously always try to say and do the right things for others. However, you feel terribly guilty when you fall short of your own perfection, and almost wish the ground to open up and swallow you.
Perfection that you indeed created an illusion of by yourself. Perfection you unconsciously or perhaps consciously made others expect of you. Your own doing (maybe I’m judging myself harshly, I don’t know). But in the Nigerian way, perfection ‘you set yourself up for’
Now, on days when you really err towards people (read as friends and acquaintances), they almost cannot let it slide. In fact, even you battle with yourself internally to let it slide.
Why?
It is unlike you naa. You should have known better.
And so you go ahead to feel terrible about what you have done. In fact so terribly even for something so minute that will ordinarily be no problem worth baiting an eyelid if the tables were turned (you are the peace seeker and slack cutter, remember?)
Perhaps what happened is something you meant no ill, doing, or saying. Something that will ordinarily fly with you because you automatically assume that the other person means no disrespect and wouldn’t say or do something malicious to you. But, it is your turn to have made a mistake and the judgment on you is harsher (even by you).
Then the cycle of guilt within begins:
First, you feel bad for saying or doing what you did.
You apologize profusely (a lot more than necessary), then proceed to overly explain yourself.
Stage three is going back to ask yourself why you ever did/said what you did. In your head, “now I’ve pissed this person off. Couldn’t I have done without doing this?”
But there’s a genesis to all of these.
You have created an illusion of perfection that you (almost) cannot err and will always say the perfect things. Others have become conditioned to this illusion of you and hence see no need to extend you any grace. After all, you are always so graceful and never err.
And so, in your moment of unhelpful weakness (which is entirely human), you find yourself wishing and praying others can extend you even 10% of the grace you have always extended them. That they would understand that you are merely human and will no doubt step out of line. That they should know you will never intend or do them ill. But, you’re not exactly extended this grace or cut this slack.
Because?
You have consistently shared the illusion of peace-seeking, near perfection, and general acceptance of people’s flaws without judgement.
You would think people on the other hand would cut you the most slack when you err once once right?
No. It is you who gets the sledgehammer the most. You who become a recipient of almost zero grace.
The irony.
Why I am writing this?
I do not know, really. Perhaps it is me judging myself too harshly? I do not know.
But, one thing I do know for sure is that I have recently commenced a journey of not caring so much. A journey of being more zen. A journey not of unbecoming a grace extender, but one of extending the most grace to myself. A journey of becoming almost immune to social perception and the unbridled illusion of peace-keeping.
A journey of “Yo, idgaf that you think I messed up. You do mess up too and nobody has died from yours. So why me?”
Should I write back to share how my journey on this is going? Nope, I will most likely not. So do not expect a follow-up. 😊
Zen ✌🏾